12.21.2025

hi friends.

it’s been a week since my last drink — so, here we are. starting over. again.

i made it 518 days once and really thought i’d earned the right to be occasional about it.

turns out occasionally is a slippery little liar.

it slowly became a few times a week, and i felt myself drifting away from the version of me that was actually paying attention.

especially now, especially being unmedicated, i don’t want to test that edge.

when i was sober, i was steadier. softer with myself. more aware of what i was doing and why. not perfect — just present.

and presence feels like something worth protecting.

starting over isn’t dramatic. there’s no big moment, no triumphant soundtrack.
it’s quiet and almost boring.
it’s just a decision you make in your own head and then keep making, over and over, when no one’s around to notice.
but quiet decisions still count. sometimes they’re the ones that save you.

i’ve been thinking a lot about finding peace within yourself — mostly because you’re the only person you truly have every single day.

people rotate in and out of your life, circumstances change, moods shift, but you’re always there, hearing your own thoughts, carrying your own weight.

learning how to live inside your own head without constantly wanting to escape it feels important. choosing habits that don’t betray you later. learning how to sit with yourself without punishment.

it’s not glamorous work, but it’s honest, and right now honesty feels safer than pretending i’m fine.

it’s sunday, which technically means sunday funday.

jk.

it means i’ll probably be cleaning all day, trying to make my house feel less like a physical manifestation of my depression.

every room feels behind, like i blinked and suddenly everything piled up at once. the tasks themselves are simple — nothing heroic — but depression has a way of making small things feel heavy, like you’re dragging them instead of just doing them.

i’m also supposed to go to sunday dinner tonight.

i love my family, i really do, but i’m not sure i have it in me.

not in a dramatic way — just in a “my brain is full and my energy is low” way.

sometimes staying home isn’t avoidance, it’s maintenance.

sometimes it’s choosing quiet over obligation.

right now, though, i’m okay. i feel okay.

maybe that will change as the day unfolds, maybe it won’t.

for now, i’m here. i’m sober. i’m trying to be gentle with myself.

and today, that feels like enough.

love you, bye.