12.22.2025

why do the holidays hit so hard?
like genuinely – it doesn’t even feel like christmas.
the lights are on, the songs are playing, everyone’s posting their matching pajamas and smiling photos.
and somehow i’m just… not there.
it’s like i’m watching the season through a foggy window.
everything feels heavy, and i keep realizing i’m holding my breath without meaning to.

this time of year is supposed to be cozy and joyful and full, but instead it just feels loud and demanding.
there are so many places i’m “supposed” to be, so many people i’m “supposed” to see, so many versions of myself i feel like i should show up as.
and somewhere in the middle of all that, i think i might just be depressed.
not in a dramatic, movie-scene way.
more like a dull, quiet ache that follows me room to room.
the kind where you’re still functioning, still showing up.
but everything costs just a little more energy than it should.

depression is weird like that.
it doesn’t always announce itself.
sometimes it just feels like exhaustion. or numbness. or crying in your car for no damn reason.
sometimes it’s smiling at people and then immediately wanting to crawl back into bed, because the “on” position feels like it’s impossible.
and during the holidays, when everything is amplified, that weight feels heavier.
like i’m already tired, and now i’m tired with tinsel on top.

i think what sucks the most though is the loneliness.

it sucks to be alone all the time. everybody has their people.
their go-to person.
their group chat.
me? i come home, and i’m alone.
every. single. day.
no “how was your day?”
no shared dinner
no background noise of somebody else just existing in the same space.

sometimes that’s peaceful.
sometimes i like the quiet.

but sometimes –
it feels like the heaviest part of all this.
like the silence echoes a little too loud, and the walls notice too.

i don’t write this for pity, and i don’t write it because i think i’m broken.
i think i write it because i know i’m not the only one feeling this way, even though it feels isolating as hell.
the holidays have a way of highlighting what we don’t have, even when we’re trying really hard to be grateful for what we do have.

so if this season feels hard for you too-
if you’re tired, or sad, or lonely, or just not feeling very festive –
i see you, babe.
you’re not failing the holidays.
you’re not doing life wrong.
sometimes surviving this time of year quietly is more than enough.

i’m trying to give myself permission to move slower. to say no when i need to.
to admit that i’m not okay without immediately trying to fix it.
maybe that’s what this season is for me – not joy, not magic, not sparkle – but honesty. softness. getting through one day at a time.

and if you’re reading this alone, somewhere.
maybe in your own quiet room, in a restaurant surrounded by strangers, sitting in front of your computer at work.
just know you’re not as alone as you feel.

hi friend,
i’m here too.

love you, bye.